Tara Povey writes about re-entering the Dublin dating scene after her relationship of seven years abruptly ended, and what the experience has taught her.
In 2022 my boyfriend of seven years broke up with me over text, moved to Norway and started a new life. I never saw it coming.
Not to be dramatic, but it was the emotional equivalent of that scene in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom where your man gets his heart ripped out.
I’d just turned 34, it was my first Christmas in my new house, and I was packing my relationship into boxes. Not exactly where I thought I’d be at that point in my life.
It seemed like everyone else was getting married, having kids and buying houses together. In reality, they weren’t; society just has a weird way of making you feel like some sort of decrepit goblin when you’re single in your 30s.
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For the next six months all I wanted was to sleep or cry. It seems ridiculous now, but it was a big hurt and I’m glad I allowed myself to feel it properly. It allowed me to think of the next steps I wanted to take.
I took my time before dipping my toes into dating again – but when I did, it was certainly eye-opening.
When I first considered downloading the apps I was regaled with horror stories from friends. While some dating disasters made for great stories, others were just plain terrifying.
One friend had to get a restraining order against two separate people she met on dating sites. Granted, she did also meet her husband on the apps afterwards, so swings and roundabouts, I guess?
I had used Tinder in the past (to varying degrees of success) so I had some knowledge of the scene. However, a lot had changed – Hinge, Bumble and more alternative options like Feeld – for couples who are interested in non-monogamous relationships and more diverse forms of dating – were completely new to me.
I wasn’t prepared for how jaded and unenthusiastic the apps felt. Why did I have all these matches but such an abysmal match-to-date conversion rate? Where was the excitement, the genuine interest? Were the singles of Ireland not delighted to welcome me back into their ranks?!
In the end I finally went on some actual dates. There were cute hikes, awkward coffee shop encounters, sexy rooftop bars and even a Bolivian karaoke night.
It turns out I like dating. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. I love discovering new romantic corners of Ireland, whether it’s a cosy wine bar* or a hidden speakeasy.
However, dating after being in a long-term relationship definitely felt different. I was much more confident and assertive now than I had been in my 20s. On one date, I called a guy out for talking non-stop about himself and not asking me a single question. It was empowering.
Despite my good experiences with the apps, I eventually slipped into the delete and reinstall cycle which I’m sure most app daters are familiar with. Currently, I’m in the delete phase.
The other day, when I was pondering whether to reinstall or not, my mam sat across from me and told me that she’d never seen me happier. Turns out, all I needed to do was turn my life upside down to regain a joy I hadn’t even noticed was missing in the first place.
After a few months in the wilds of Dublin’s dating scene, I’ve emerged with the kinds of lessons I believe only a relative outsider can learn.
With fewer options as convenient available to us when it comes to dating, I think that finding ways to actually enjoy swiping left or right is crucial if you’re going to give it a bash.
- Send the first message! If you want something to happen you might as well take a step towards it or you’ll be waiting forever.
- Try to be open. Don’t just go for your usual type, see what’s out there.
- Know what you want and be upfront about it. If something’s a deal breaker say that from the start so no one is wasting their time.
- For safety reasons, first dates should be in public places. On that note, let your friends/family know the details of who, when and where you’re meeting.
- The apps should be fun. If they start to feel toxic, delete them and focus on yourself.
If you’ve tried the apps and – like me – are firmly in the ‘delete’ stage, here are some tips for meeting people away from your phone screen. Sometimes you just can’t beat an in person connection.
- The Hey You Crew organises singles hikes, retreats and trips. Check out their Instagram account for details of their next adventure.
- Your Friend My Friend host speed dating and singles events in Dublin, Galway and Limerick. You can see the full list of events on their website. – McGowan’s in Phibsboro hosts a singles night at least once a month. There’s a free glass of prosecco for the first 50 people, as well as games/icebreakers.
- If you’re more traditional, the Lisdoonvarna Match-Making festival in Co.Clare is for you. With so many couples successfully matched, it’s world famous for a reason. Events run throughout September.
- If all else fails, get a friend you trust to set you up, they probably know what you need better than anyone else.
Finally, while I’m no expert, I do believe that love is unpredictable. You could have sworn off dating, deleted all the apps and resigned yourself to a life of celibacy.
Then, one day, someone will burst into your life in the most unexpected way and you won’t be prepared at all. Everything will fall into place and that will be it – game over.
As Willie Daly, the Lisdoonvarna matchmaker, says: “The only rule in love is that there are no rules.”
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ.
