DEAR DEIDRE: My world turned on its head when I found out that my gentle, loving father has been having a passionate sexual affair for almost 20 years. All this time I thought my parents were happily married.
I’m a man of 38 and I can’t get my head around this news. I’m married and have two young kids.
Mum is 65 and had to have a knee replacement recently. Dad asked if I could go and help her because he was going away for the weekend.
When I got there, Dad, 63, had just left and I assumed it was one of his golf trips.
Later I spotted his clubs in the garage and asked mum where he was.
She looked uncomfortable, then said, “Well, you might as well know. He’s gone to his fancy woman.”
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I was stunned but Mum said, “We’ve had this arrangement since you went away to college. I don’t like sex. Your father does, so he goes to get his fix every few weeks and that suits me. We never speak about it and neither must you.”
I stood there with my mouth open. Mum said she felt better that I knew but she didn’t want to say anything more – subject closed.
I knew there was tension between them when I was a teenager but they seemed to get over it. They are a lovey-dovey couple who enjoy doing things together. I thought they had the perfect marriage!
I had a nice weekend with Mum but made sure I’d gone before Dad returned home. I don’t want to see him if I’m honest. How do I deal with this?
DEIDRE SAYS: You don’t have to. You behave exactly as you did before you got this information.
This is their relationship and their arrangement. Nobody can ever judge what is going on within somebody else’s marriage.
It works for them. Your mother doesn’t seem bothered by him having another woman in his life. Some couples choose to turn a blind eye to affairs to maintain the status quo.
Just as nobody wants to think about their parents having sex, you don’t want to think about your father with anyone else which is understandable, but interfering with something which works for them isn’t your business and will take away your mother’s coping mechanism.
Becoming a dad yourself will make this news harder to digest.
Instead, a good therapist will listen to your concerns. My support pack on counselling explains more.
